In the last few years, I have heard numerous rumors from some of my undercover agents about how members of the antibiotic association are terribly frustrated with +234 people. I even heard about a planned strike and I was really curious about their grievances.
I pulled all my connections in the antibiotic community and a prominent member agreed to have a sit down with me: Ampiclox Beechams 500.
Miss Beechams is a founding member of the Antibiotics Association and in this tell-all interview with Olusanya Oluwatomi, she speaks about the struggles she and her colleagues face daily the line of duty… Excerpts below:
Miss Beechams, thank you so much for speaking with Healthy Naija today despite your very busy schedule.
Ampiclox 500: Thank you very much for having me, I and my comrades deeply appreciate the work you do at Healthy Naija, teaching Nigerians about what we do as the Antibiotics Association. Frankly I will love to say that my schedule is too busy because Nigerians like to call my attention to matters that don’t concern me.
Ampiclox 500: Every morning, I’m called to terminate pregnancies. Like…how is that even my job?
Just this morning, I got over 600 DMs from people who had unprotected sex; guess what?
They wanted me, Ampiclox to come and prevent them from having an STI or getting pregnant, I am like what the heck!! Postinor 2 and Condoms are just in their offices sleeping, gisting and watching Netflix why can’t Nigerians call them to do their jobs? I’m really fed up.
Which mic are you using…this one, abi? Let me say this for the record: I, Ampiclox 500 Beechams I am an antibiotic, my job is to treat bacterial infections!
Wow that’s so much stress for you and your comrades with so much unwarranted demand for your services.
Ampiclox 500: Yes!!! And I’m not just speaking for myself, my cousin Metronidazole (you know him as Flagyl) has become a scapegoat of some sort. See, whenever those Green White Green people finish “chopping life” and develop a running stomach, they won’t even disturb Loperamide (Lemotil) that can stop the diarrhoea, quickly, they will drag my poor cousin Flagyl into the toilet with them.
Uhmmm…kinda true but they believe flagyl can help na or even with tetracycline
AMP 500: Pls don’t even bring Tetracycline here, he is one of our big ogas you people should stop disturbing him for minor things, I don’t want to vex (Rolls eyes).
Ahhh..Sorry please be calming down. So, when should Nigerians call you? Cause I heard some of your colleagues are considering changing their phone numbers
Ampiclox 500: hahaha, now you are talking, (clears throat) … I don’t want just anybody to call me, I only want calls only from Doctors and Pharmacists, trust me once there is a prescription I will be there immediately.
You see..eeeh, I actually love my job of kicking out actual bacteria and trust me all my colleagues do, passion wan choke us sef.
So once there is a prescription, no issues you will be available?
Ampiclox 500: Yes oh! Like instantly I will show up and be there as long as is needed. But there is another problem oh…
Uhmmm…problem no dey finish for una side o
Ampiclox 500: Mtchew…it’s you people that are the problem. When there is a prescription and I arrive ready to work, you people will not still let me do my job well.
Most of them take me in based on vibes and insha Allah or as ‘’the spirit leads’’ even when they were told the correct time interval which can be 6,8 or 12 hourly depending on if its 4,3 or 2 times daily.
So, the timing must be precise for you to work well?
Ampiclox 500: Exactly, which is why our association has been begging your people to download the ADHERE app on the play store, this app sends reminders at the exact time we should be taken but as usual, you people have coconut head and you insist that you know what you are doing, no wonder your country is the way it is.
Why so blunt? Don’t you think as long as they feel better, the end justifies the means?
Ampiclox 500: Not at all! When the timing is not followed or you people stop taking us before the prescribed time, mostly because you feel better, this is what happens: You give those yeye bacteria room to escape as they’ve learnt all our killing tactics. They will start raising shoulders for us and when next we come to do our jobs, they will just overpower us but las las it’s you people that will suffer it sha.
That’s kinda scary though
Ampilox 500: Stay there and be speaking English, you suppose fear… (shining her eyes) … fear catch you Naija people!
Cause when those germs become stubborn you will need to spend more or even empty your account to pay for our big-big Ogas (Like Colistin, and Tavanic) to take care of the situation. You can be so unlucky that our chairman can’t even work. Shebi, you people have plenty of money?
Haa… Nooo! madam, life has not been easy under Uncle Bubu. Anyway, thank you for granting us this interview, I see your phone is already beeping
Ampiclox 500: Mtchewww, someone wants to flush his system and he is texting me. I think I should just leave this country for you people.
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